Biff communication4/25/2023 In fact, it often helps to just repeat the key information using the same words. If you need to respond again, keep it even briefer and do not emotionally engage. If you get further emails, you can ignore them, if you have already sufficiently addressed the inaccurate information. A confident-sounding person is less likely to be challenged with further emails. Sound confident and don’t ask for more information if you want to end the back-and-forth. Avoid comments that leave an opening, such as: “I hope you will agree with me that …” This invites the other person to tell you “I don’t agree.” (For example: “That’s all I’m going to say on this issue.”) Be careful not to make comments that invite more discussion, unless you are negotiating an issue or want to keep a dialogue going back and forth. In a non-threatening way, clearly tell the other person your information or position on an issue. Brief comments that show your empathy and respect will generally calm the other person down, even if only for a short time. If appropriate, say you recognize their concerns. Just make it sound a little relaxed and non-antagonistic. This does not mean that you have to be overly friendly. Don’t give the other person a reason to get defensive and keep responding. If your goal is to end the conflict, then being friendly has the greatest likelihood of success. Consciously thinking about a friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly – or neutral – response in return. While you may be tempted to write in anger, you are more likely to achieve your goals by writing in a friendly manner. Personal attacks rarely lead to insight or positive change. While most people can ignore personal attacks or might think harder about what you are saying, high conflict people feel they have no choice but to respond in anger – and keep the conflict going. If the other person has a “high conflict personality,” you will have no success in reducing the conflict with personal attacks. Avoid personal remarks about the other’s intelligence, ethics or moral behavior. For example: “Just to clear things up, I was out of town on February 12th, so I would not have been the person who was making loud noises that day.”Īvoid negative comments. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the inaccurate statements the other person made. The main reason to respond to hostile mail is to correct inaccurate statements which might be seen by others. If your friends still like you, you don’t have to prove anything to those who don’t. You don’t have to defend yourself to someone you disagree with. It just escalates the conflict and keeps it going. Avoid focusing on comments about the person’s character, such as saying he or she is rude, insensitive or stupid. Don’t take their statements personally and don’t respond with a personal attack. Just make your response and end your letter. Keeping it brief signals that you don’t wish to get into a dialogue. The more you write, the more material the other person has to criticize. This will reduce the chances of a prolonged and angry back and forth. If you need to respond, I recommend a BIFF Response®: Be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm BRIEF In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. However, some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In most cases, you are better off not responding. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Therefore, how you respond to hostile communications may impact your relationships or the outcome of a case. There may be more people involved and it may be exposed to others or in court. However, when people are involved in a formal conflict (a divorce, a workplace grievance, a homeowners’ association complaint, etc.) there may be more frequent hostile email. Most of this is just “venting,” and has little real significance. Hostile email, texts and other electronic communications have become much more common over the past decade.
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